Actual Fax Sent to Wife on Vacation

Krista Rachiele
c/o Anne Mansfield
Four Seasons
Punta Mita, Bahía de Banderas

Dear Krista,

I find myself with a couple of questions that I hope you could help answer, as I am finding myself a little lost in your world. I hope you are having a wonderful time with Anne, Karen, and Erika – you guys really deserve a break from motherhood, and get a chance to really enjoy yourselves. I hope the weather is great, and I can only imagine how luxurious it is at the hotel.

1. How do you remove blood from the white carpet?
I don’t want to get into it right now – it is a long story – but we had a little accident. Who knew that Lutheran General was a 3-minute ambulance ride from our house? Man, can those things move fast.

2. What is a better nickname “Three-finger” or “Ocho?”
Again, I do not want to get into it, but the social worker at the hospital has suggested we quickly come up with a nickname – children tend to make up worse names if we don’t assign them now. I am partial to “Ocho."

3. What is a better color for our bathroom: lime green or avocado?
I was trying to surprise you upon your return, but think you should have some say in my redecorating choices. Suffice it to say, I have ripped out most of the tile in our main bathroom. I should have checked on the timing of getting the new tile (they say it will take three to four weeks before the order comes in). So, we can’t shower at the house for a while. I added myself onto your current membership program – it was worth the initiation fee of $400, even if I only plan to stay for a month.

4. Who is a better friend of yours -- Sue or Sheri?
I was really pondering this over in my head today when Sue called. Then I came up with a brilliant idea – why not tell one friend that she is closer of a friend than the other, and vice-versa? Well, I think Sue got a little incensed by question – she might not talk to you for a while. I figure its worth it to find out. By the way, do you have Colleen’s number?

5. Do you remember the PIN to the money market account?
I got a cold-call from the Jaguar dealer in Libbertyville, and while a little impractical, I think you might really enjoy the Christmas gift I have picked out for you. I just need to secure the financing package for the 7 year lease. I might be ruining the surprise a little bit, but at least you don’t know the color. Let’s just say that you’ll be the only wife in Glenview with a matching toilet and car (Oh, I am giving away far too much.).

6. Do you wash shearling in hot, warm, or cold water?
I am going through one of my cleaning phases, and I am working my way through the hall closet. I decided to wash all our winter coats, scarves, and hats. I can’t determine what to temperature to wash your new shearling jacket in.

7. How would you describe our household philosophy?
I found the wife swap web site, and finalized our entry via the online contract. As you know I am really hooked on the show, so I kinda exaggerated a bit to help our chances in securing a spot in one of the next episodes. I figure you could really play it up for the cameras. I described you as kinda lose, boozy, and arrogant. I always get confused on the spelling between irrevokable and irrevocable – which was is it? This is the wording in the contract agreement that I submitted tonight.


Anyhow, hope everything is going great on your vacation. We cooked the pork loin for dinner tonight. We ran out of milk, so we all had diet coke to drink tonight – I am the kid's personal hero. I love you and miss you, very, very much.

Love,
Jon